


Caleb Widogast does not harm himself

by kieranlikesplants



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast - Freeform, Eventual widogast, Lots of depressing stuff, M/M, Mollymauk tealeaf - Freeform, Not Quite Slowburn, big trigger warning for self harm and self destructive behaviours, caleb really hates himself, critical role - Freeform, critical role season 2, critical role widomauk, dnd, dnd5e, trigger warning ed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23669410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kieranlikesplants/pseuds/kieranlikesplants
Summary: Caleb Widogast did not harm himself.He was a smart man, an intelligent wizard, if he is to say so himself. His knowledge may have come at a great cost, it is in fact, what urges him to torture himself, day in day out.It was an art, really.Caleb Widogast did not harm himself.He tortured himself.
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf & Caleb Widogast, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 4
Kudos: 93





	1. An introduction to Caleb Widogast

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I recently found CR and fell in love with Caleb, as well as WidoMauk. And so I decided to write a hurt/comfort fic, even if we aren't at the comfort just yet, just the hurt. We'll get there!

Caleb Widogast did not harm himself.

He was a smart man, an intelligent wizard, if he is to say so himself. His knowledge may have come at a great cost, it is in fact, what urges him to torture himself, day in day out.

But a smart man such as himself was smart enough to know that harming ones self was not wise. It brought questions, undesirable attention – if found out, and over-all was an unpleasant solution to his problems.

Not only that, but it was far too easy.  
For a person as awful as himself, breaking skin, shedding blood, intentional bruising, it was all too easy. For his pain to be resolved just like that was not nearly fair enough.  
And as mentioned, it would bring unwanted attention. The Mighty Nein would notice eventually, they would pity him and ask questions, and Nott would find a way not to let Caleb out of her sight if she needed to. A bad experience all over, in Caleb’s mind.

No, self-inflicted pain, harming himself was not an option that he entertained.  
Caleb’s chosen solution was far subtler than that.

It began when he first ran from the asylum. He left with his bare clothes, a runaway, and for a time not only homeless, but penniless. He stole a long jacket, with sleeves enough to hide his scarred arms, before he stole bandages, too. He found boots and clothes that, eventually, made him look like an ordinary bum – not a crazy person let out from the asylum.

Back then, he couldn’t bathe. He had no choice in the matter. But as he eventually made coin, earned some money, it became a voluntary choice. When he looked the way he did then, he was unrecognisable. He was no longer Bren, which was ideal for his situation. But it also allowed his appearance to match how he felt inside. Disgusting, 2ainhuman and scum. He looked like a wreck, and smelt even worse. He did so to intentionally ward off other people, someone like him deserved to be alone.

So of course, it was a goblin who made a friends in him, eventually.

Before, and even commonly after joining the Mighty Nein, he found calmness in feeling his stomach growl again and again. He enjoyed the sensation of hunger, knowing that he was slowly torturing his body from the inside out. Even when he could afford meals, he often chose to forgo them.  
When he was feeling especially awful, when his self-hatred and guilt caught up to him, he would splurge, spending what small amount of money he had on booze. He would forget, and enjoy himself for a short time. He would pretend for a while, that maybe things weren’t so bad, that maybe he could live like this a little more often. He rose his spirits for a time, before inevitably having them crash and burn the next morning, having woken up in the gutter or a back alley – just as he had planned upon the previous night.

It was an art, really.

Caleb Widogast did not harm himself.

He tortured himself.

Found light intricacies to his psyche and abused them until they could no longer be abused. At which point, he would find another practice, another way to inflict pain, to keep himself accountable, until the first was tender again, at which point he would return to old ways. He interchanged behaviours for years, often encompassing many at the one time, in the especially bad times.  
He found the perfect way to make himself suffer.

It was then, of course, that he befriended that strange little goblin.  
Nott the Brave, a strange one. An outcast of sorts, and to Caleb’s suspicion, a kindred spirit – one who had out-casted themselves. They didn’t talk about the past, and Caleb liked that. It was one of the perks to pairing up with her, which he had planned to do only for a few months. He was quite eager to further his wizardry skills, having deciding to track town the person who made him the way he was. The person at the root of all of his intricate problems, the centre of the strings crisscrossing in his mind. And so, they paired up. Ran errands. Stole when they needed to. He saved up, bought books, learned again. This only encouraged Nott to become closer to Caleb.  
He started to dislike the company. Not the high-spirited goblin herself, but travelling with another always had one big downside. The attention.

Whenever Nott bought a meal, she either bought one for Caleb as well, or asked why he wasn’t eating. She would ask why he hadn’t bought a healing salve for the cut on his cheek from the last time he was caught stealing. She noticed things that Caleb had never had to hide before. He didn’t like it.  
But she was good company, too. The good outweighed the bad, ultimately, and he continued traveling with her. It was a particularly bad month for him, in terms of his emotions, when they were drinking at bar and a group came in.  
He hadn’t wanted to join up, or create a group. He was miserable enough alone, let alone with one companion. But it was the natural progression of things that convinced him to allow it.

They met the group of three, first, the green man, blue woman and the other human. He didn’t dislike them, other than when the blue tiefling woman told him he stank. He knew, and it was intentional.  
They later met another tiefling, this one gaudy and lilac in colour, and a hulk of a woman.  
The ventured off together, and Caleb allowed it for the time being. They were merely travel companions, and it was fine if he hid himself from them. It wouldn’t matter.

But he grew a strong bond to Nott, the goblin woman he had met – at this point, months ago. Her caring ways had grown on him - being coddled a little, as selfish as it was, felt good. He missed being mothered like this, and hadn’t felt anything like it since his young teen years, before he left for the academy. But even these feelings of acceptance to Nott’s affection, the fact that he let himself enjoyed it, disgusted him greatly.


	2. A con-man's smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An encounter between one lilac tiefling, and one panicked wizard quite too early in the morning.

It was after a bout of truly awful nightmares, that he woke up in the night. They were sleeping at a tavern that night, him and Nott sharing a room, while the others slept in their normal sleeping arrangements as well.

He awoke in the normal cold sweat, refraining from shouting in pain as he watched his home burn to the ground for what could be the millionth time in his slumber. He outstretched a hand in front of him, now lucid, as he recalled the feeling of his mind splitting – trying to believe that his parents would never betray the Empire, betray him in that way, while believing in the strict teachings of Trent, and knowing it had to be done.   
It became too much, too real again, and he brought his hands to his head, clenching them in his hair as his eyes silently watered. 

Looking at the window of the room, he saw it was still dark, but curbing on sunrise. Knowing he wouldn’t be getting any sleep, he donned his filthy overcoat over his clothes, which doubled as his bedclothes, and quietly left the room. He walked downstairs to the bar, planning to sneak out (not that anyone could or should stop him, mind you) as not to wake any of the group upstairs. If they could gain a full night’s rest, they absolutely should, and he did not want the guilt of a tired party on his shoulders. He couldn’t handle it right now.  
But upon stepping foot in the downstairs bar, he was greeted with a tired lilac smile, Mollymauk sitting at a table almost directly in the middle of the room. 

“Good morning, Mr Caleb. Up so early?” He spoke with a low, quiet voice, surely for the same reason as Caleb opting to sneak downstairs. His tone was grovelled, as if he hadn’t actually been awake for too long, but long enough that his eyes were aware and body was acute – if the cards he was shuffling as fast as always was any indication. He sat comfortable at the table, in his shirt and pants, no jacket or shoes in sight.

“Guten morgen, Mr Mollymauk. I could easily say the same to you.” Caleb replied, after realising he had been in silence for a few seconds too long, Molly’s friendly smile quirking into a curious grin. Caleb himself was curious, the party never awoke this early, least of all Molly. He was usually in bed as late as he could manage when they slept in taverns like this, revelling in a good night’s pleasure and rest.

“Yes, well, it just so happens I woke up a short time ago. No need to be so surprised, I can see you’re shocked.” Molly teased in a lilting voice, knowing that he was regarded as the lazy member of the group often. He liked to lounge and enjoy pleasures, but clearly there was more to the gaudy man than Caleb had first thought, considering the carefully worded response. “And what of you? You’re certainly an early riser, but the sun hasn’t even risen yet.”

Caleb was silent, eyes fixed on the inquisitive man, as he calculated the appropriate response.   
‘It just so happens to be none of your business, Mollymauk.’ Was quite too sharp, and while his sharp tongue was known of, he did not want any bad blood. It was too much with these people already, let alone having to step cautiously for the next while with his words.  
On the other hand, ‘I had a nightmare, and am going for a walk.’ Was far too open. It really was none of Mollymauk’s business, and Caleb did not want to share, but he didn’t know how to explain the impromptu walk with any less details.   
While he was an intelligent man, there were times, particularly during confrontation, where words were hard to find in an elegant, concise way.

“Oh darling, don’t stress too much about it! I get it, the fresh dawn air is exquisite. Go on,” He shooed his hand, having watched Caleb intently maintain eye contact, words running through his mind in panic. “Go for your walk. That’s what you’re doing, yes?”

Caleb nodded, continuing his path to the door, before clearing his throat.  
“Uhm, thank you, Mr Mollymauk. I will be back soon.” He reached for the door handle, opening the door a wedge large enough to exit the building.

“Call me Molly, please. Don’t worry yourself about it, darling. Be safe out there~” He waved, turning his attention to his cards as he laid a spread in front of him. 

Caleb took one last look, wondering why he didn’t hate the interaction he’d just had with what he’d assumed to be a generally unpleasant person. Loud and obnoxious was not Caleb’s speed.  
“Ja, I will. Bye, Molly.” He cleared his throat again leaving the building proper, the fresh early air clearing his mind from the baffling experience as he walked the streets of the small town.  
Well, at least he was distracted from the shortness of breath he had been experiencing, as well as the clamminess of his hands. Upon being surprised they were still present, but his vivid recollection of that horrid night was no longer at the front of his mind.

After a lap of the town, he was adequately calmed, and made his way back to the tavern. Entering the building, he saw his companions ordering breakfast, noticing Nott had a reasonably full plate next to her nearly empty one.   
He entered quietly, sitting next to Nott, sending a look towards Mollymauk as he joyously told fortunes to the towns drunks, already at the bar to start their day of drinking. Cunning eyes and a smile that appeared as genuine as a con-man’s promise were what Caleb was picking up on. Not only did he believe that the perceptive Tiefling read his own behaviour that morning, he knew for a fact that he was ‘let off the hook’ so to speak. Perhaps it was to do with why Molly was downstairs before dawn, himself.

What was Molly hiding?


End file.
